Now For Wrath, Now For Ruin and The Red Dawn

5:04pm: Wedding Pics
For those that dont use Facebook here's a link to the wedding pics i have managed to gather up from ppl so far, there are many more floating out there i hope to get soon. Thanks Mike again for the site =)

http://www.leafydruid.com/gomer/gallery2/main.php

11:50pm: my dog has a tumor and they want to put him down =( hes 11 years old and slept in my room every night when i lived at home... =(

3:56am: Wow...
This is a video i found and i think its wonderful... it made me cry... its full of symbolizism and is pretty deep so if you arent into thinking beyond the box sorta stuff you might not appreciate it as much as i did

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdUUx5FdySs



To die having fulfilled a dream... so powerful...
To work uphill all the way for that moment of bliss that makes it all worth it... i hope i get to experience this in my life...

4:40pm: so its been a while...

I guess i have avoided posting mostly because i dont know what to say. so many things running through my head, so many questions, too many feelings. i knew whatever i posted would be a disjointed mess so i figured i would spare those that would actually read it the headache. But i need to get things out somewhere and i figure this is as good as any.

So in 9 days i am officially an adult in all legal aspects of life. How do i feel going into this? I mostly find the situation ironic. Ironic beacuse i am about as unadult like in my current state as one can be. The last few nights i have curled up in a fetal position crying myself to sleep in my stuffed bunnys fur wondering why i couldnt be 10 again. Why i couldnt be playing ball with my grandfather in the yard with everything being right in the world. I feel alone and scared. I dont know what i want in life or what i should be doing to prepare for life. School seems to be a waste of time as i feel i am learning nothing but am killing myself to pay for it. Dennis is never home anymore due to work and when he is hes usually depressed about the crap his father is doing to his mother so rather then add to his misery i put on a fake happy front to try to cheer him up which leaves my problems to fester. I keep leaving texts msges for friends but they dont answer back either i made them angry somehow or my phone is being retarded again.

And then theres Kim. I dont know what to say here. There arent words to say here. I say her name in my head and start crying and i will cry for hours. Cry because i miss her and cry because of guilt. She wanted to do things with her life. She wanted to go to grad school and make a difference in the world. Me? i want out of there. I want the piece of paper and to leave and never look back. Why was she the one chosen to die when she has so much more to offer to society? I walk past the wall everyday and i picture us there laughing and goofing off and it hurts so bad. And then i just feel stupid. I read over our last conversations on AIM ( i use trillian and it saves chat logs) and realize all the hints she gave me and how freaking clueless i was.

flatlinermatrix: i'm having trouble breathing lately
wingdghopper: allergies?
flatlinermatrix: not sure, just been having a lot of problems
wingdghopper: that sucks feel better =(

i have pages in my notebook still from the class we had together, i cant bring myself to throw them away. i read them over and over because they are how i want to remember her, fun and happy and normal...

-Mary we need to figure out how to make chris like me
--Well if all else fails i can kidnap him and tie him up for you and leave the room and.. well you fill in the rest
-LOL
--so seriously whats your preference rope? handcuffs? leather?
-i dont even want to ask which of those you have available
--no, no you dont
-OMG MARY!
--i didnt say anything!!

theres no point to this post at all i just needed to say it... please jessica if you still read lj answer my texts or call me or something ... i could really use a hug or friendly voice right now...

10:47pm: (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (Many ppl actually but one person inparticular whom i will never see again...)	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (I like the computer better)	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.  (I love online games more then console ones though)	× I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.  (Only when i am very angry or hurt)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

1:28pm: Kim Adams past away ... all i can do for now is cry, later i will try to write something inspiring...

8:20pm: Ever wake up one morning and something happen and from that moment on you felt like you were living in a soap opra? that happened to me about 3 weeks ago when the cop showed up at the door... i just want the drama to end... I cant sleep, i dont feel like eating, everyone is in an emotional mess... cant even open mail without wondering if its safe... this is absolutely ridiculous and out of control

On a lighter note i think i have picked out my wedding dress. Its white with embroided stuff on it. Pretty simple but i like it. When i go back to put a downpayment on it i will take a pic with me in it. Now i just need to get in touch with Jessica and Kim if you still want to be my bridesmaid so you can pick out dresses, i dont want to chose them for you i want you to chose something you like. Also Dennis wants our invitations to be scrolls that have a real wax seal lol i think this is going to be a fun wedding =)

Hope everyone is well, i miss you all and hope that all this mess is sorted out soon so that i can talk to my friends again and not have to worry about dragging them into this crap too.

2:37am: Woot!! i got him to talk!! ^_^ He has the most soothing voice i have ever heard

I am starting to feel better too. I feel like i have energy again and am not sleepy all day. I have finished all my meds now and dont think i need to refill them which is good. Now i want to get out of the house and DO something. I am starting to remember things too that i had forgotten. Thats kinda good and kinda bad, now i know just how stupid i am when i am drugged >.<

Anyways not a real update just one to say i am still here

12:58am: stolen...
1. List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Never discuss it again.


I still wonder what it would have been like with you.

Stop trying to do things that you think will make you look "cool" you dont need to "impress" me i already like you. you know as well as i do that if society didnt deem them as what the "cool" kids do you wouldnt even think it.

stop being such a baby, grow up. you arent that pathetic

realize how wonderful you really are and stop doubting yourself

i love you. it hurts me to see you hurt. i want to fight when ppl hurt you.

i still blame you for what happened. i dont hate you, but if there ever was a person that came close its you.

you are my hero. you are who i want to be and cant be.

i wish i could spend more time with you. i hope you dont think i ditched you and i hope you know you can talk to me... i am sorry i dont come around... i do care

i dont need your approval. your status means nothing to me.

you could do so much better in your life if you tried, instead you settle for less.

10:39am: ok... i am definately awake now.. someone pulled the fire alarm and i had to stand outside in the cold for about 20 mins. Most ppl were pretty happy becuase their classes were cancelled, i was unhappy however because i was trying to take a nap >.

9:32am: After much screaming, crying and throwing of things i finished my paper at 5:37 am this morning. i got 2 hours of sleep and am trying very hard to stay awake right now. I doubt i will be going to music.. i wonder if i will even make it through spanish...

Well today starts spring break and it couldnt have come sooner. After my "episode" last night i need a mental breather. I dont have any real plans yet to speak of. I plan to visit some ppl i havent seen in a while and my brother may be coming up for a day or so. I intend on catching up on some much needed sleep. Between being sick and stressed and pressed for time to write 3 papers and study for 4 tests i havent been to work. i doubt anyone noticed since i work by myself anyway... But money is going to get tight over the summer so i need to work harder after spring break.

Anyone else free/on spring break wanna get together? I dont care of its just me cooking and us watching movies, i want company and to laugh again.

The real victim here is Dennis. He has had to deal with me and sacrificed his own sleep to help me keep together. I need to do something especially noce for him.

I am starting to fall asleep again... i wish spanish class would just come on already so i can go home and sleep..

5:50pm: Met my new assistant boss friday and um i came to work today (tues) and found out she quit already.... library work was apparently too much for her and too dusty with her allergies or something.... sooooo.... we get another new one sometime in march hopefully... fun times... i suspect she was a chain smoker anyway the way she smelled so it may be for the best... and she scared me for other reasons too...

3:20am: This is so freaking hilarious
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1329362959167995041

Watch all of it... its starts out lame and you are going to wonder "wth am i watching this" and then you understand and cant stop laughing... its way too funny and way too true for any of you with significant others that are gamers.

3:18am: Stolen From a friend's friend
10 Things to ponder for 2006

Number 10:
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9:
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8:
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7:
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6:
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5:
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in Hospitals dying
of nothing.

Number 4:
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3:
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2:
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad Cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security.

10:38am: Sorry i missed a few phone calls.. my aunt passed away suddenly wednesday and i have been quite out of it. She was one of the few family members i had that acknowledge my existence. She was always very good to me and would let me rant to her all the time. I cared about her a lot and i find this to be hard news to take. She was in great health and everything... but i got the phone call wednesday night saying she was gone... I have to go to spanish friday to take a test but am leaving right after that to go to loretta for the funeral.

On a little note, my pyschology professor was fired and our new one is a pretty good preofessor so far. maybe this class will be ok after all.

I hope we get a new assitant soon at the library so i can start working... going to need money again soon.

A proud moment in my life... i didnt drop speech and in fact i VOLUNTEERED for an improptu speech activity in class... scary huh? My first real speech is thursday and i need to .. um... figure out what i am doing... lol should be entertaining to say the least.

8:55am: So much to post!

Well my classes this semester are Spanish 3, History of Rock and Roll, Sexism and Racism, Communications, and experimental psychology. My earliest class everyday is 12:00 but on fridays i have to be here at 9:00 because Dennis has a class then.

Spanish - Same professor as before... he likes to call on me a lot this semester cause he knows my name >.< Althou i have surprised myself thus far in how much i actually know... maybe its sinking in after all. At least this is the LAST semester i ever have to take Spanish.

History of Rock and Roll - Have this class with Kim. Seems easy. The Professor announced that one of our papers has to be over a LIVE concert we see, i thought Kim was gonna have a stroke. I wrote a note to Kim "Your mother HAS to let you go to one now" at the same time she passed me a note saying "Mom HAS to let me go to one now!" it was rather amusing.

Sexism and Racism - Have this class with Jessica. Its pretty interesting so far. This is NOT a white man bashing class so dont bother asking ;) Its a written requiremnt i need.

Communications - Ok so far i have dropped this class 3 semesters in a row. On the way to class Tues it was pouring down raining and i told Dennis it was a sign that i should just save myself the trouble and go ahead and drop it. He told me i was going anyway so i go to the room that my class is suppose to be in and sit down. There are like 3 ppl there so i start to get suspecious and ask "is this communications?" they say yes so i stick around. The professor comes in and hands out a syllabas and starts to talk about the class. About 20 mins in my professor says "this is one of the easiest classes you as comminucations majors will have to take" i immediately look at the heading of the syllabas to see "communications 313 for majors" at the top (i am suppose to be in 111) SOOOOO feeling dumb i just sit there and pretend to be a member of the class.... I go home and see an email where they had changed the room number for 111 2 days before this... Oy vey. I have gone to this class (the correct class) and so far i actually like this professor so i think i might stick with it... i know you are all so shocked

And now for my favorite class....

Experimental Psych..... - This class is REQUIRED for my major. The professor this class is the rudest most scatterbrained person i have ever met. First day she goes off on students for asking questions, she cant answer half our questions, and she refuses to use a mic when we are in a lecture hall of about 300.... She makes our homework due on mondays (a day we DONT have her class) and requires software that works on a select few machines. Soooooo there are about 300 emails sent to the head of the pysch board about here... the plot thickens thou... Tues and thurs she told us we did NOT have to do the chapter quizzes and then she sends us an email on Sat saying we DO have to do them and they now count as 25% of our total grade... the thing to DO the quizzes was optional to buy ($50.00) and is now REQUIRED to buy in ADDITION to our new $150.00 textbook... Sooo now anger students go to the pysch director in PERSON. Pysch director takes 300 angry students seriously. He comes to our class the following tues. Yes thats right 3 days into experimental pysch and the pysch director has to come apologize to our class for the rudeness and inconvience our professor is causing. He assures us she will "fix" her syllabas and stick to it this time and that shes just new and didnt "mean" to cause problems. He promised us he would get the software we needed for the class on campus computers since it pretty much works on 2 types of machines (mine apparently not being one of them). He addressed her rudeness and ASSURED us it would not happen again. It was quite hilarious by the end of it to say the least...

My work schedule is very fubar but at least i have work. Most of the annoying ppl are gone, YAY! I work 7 hours on firday... goodie...

---------------------------

Dennis and I have set a date. We are looking at May 18th 2007. Kevin is in Iraq so hopefully this gives him time to get back. Trying to figure out currently how many bridesmaids i want. So far my plans are:

Jessica - Maid of Honor
Kevin - Best Man
Kim B - Bridesmaid (Pleeeeeease?! * Begs * <3's Kimmie)
xxxxx - Bridesmaid (have someone in mind but have never asked or mentioned it to them so will edit later if they agree to be)

No clue on who Dennis wants as his other 2

Ushers - Tim , Eddie ? Havent asked them yet just thinking out loud
Flower Girl - Olivia (sorry Tim)
Ring Boy - Collin

Colors - Purple/Silver (think is depends on whether or not my maids will wear purple lol)


-----------------------------

Thats all for now. Need to post before the lappy battery dies and i have to retype all this

12:07am: Merry Christmas!!!

Our get together was a blast. It was so great seeing Kim and Eddie and Lyle because i havent seen them in person in forever!! It was so good just to hang out and laugh. We watched the Stewie Movie and now i have to own it!!! thanks for bringing it kim <3's!!! also got a stewie stocking and invader zim pillow cover that were tooooo cute!!! more <3's to kim!!! Kim A brought some chocolate candy that was awesome!!! i looove peanut butter chocolate *drools* I got so many hugs from Eddie and Lyle!!! I missed you guys sooooooo much!!!

Well twas an interesting Christmas Eve with my parents. My mom didnt fail in getting things mixed up as usual but this year was worse then normal.... I asked for a gift card to Hobby Lobby ... well... my uncle told her no store existed and she took his word for it and he told her there was a store called "Libby's Hobby" and thats what i meant to say.... sooooo... i have a gift card to a train hobby store called "Libby's Hobby"... i feel terrible because mom basically ripped up money and threw it in the air... i wont use the thing and i cant exchange it... =( I was really upset about it too because i know she tried to get what i wanted and what was i spose to say... i also got some *twitch* blue jean stretch pants... *sighs* yes mother i am fat but do you really have to point it out??? My brother was really excited with what he got so thats good. Dad loved his DVD i got him and i think Grandma was just happy to see me... I feel so bad because she raised me and i never get to see her now =( she told me she wasnt "going to see next Christmas" which made me feel even worse... she is getting very sick.. that old age sick where they just give up and she talks about nothing but "Seeing Bert again" But over all it was still a wonderful family christmas... i wish i saw my family more often.. really need to work on getting a car

Dennis' family got me sooo much stuff... I got gift cards ( to the correct stores ) , smelly good stuff, clothes (non stretch), candy, ornaments, fuzzy socks (omg they are soooo comfy and soft !!!), and.... a very very very very nice camcorder. its very light and tiny but has tons of power... i know it costed a ton because its the brand new camera sony just came out with and it carried a very big price tag which is why i didnt already have it. I was completely shocked when i opened it, i was definately not expecting that.

And the food. I cant eat anything for like 10 days straight now due to the calories i have consumed.... i am sooooo stuffed!!!

In closing i have a proposal... anyone that went to NCHS and was in AP english at any point ... want to make a college randition of The Inferno?? i want to try out my new camera and all that video editting software. The AP english class is doing this project next so i could show up at the end of their presentations and show them ours... i think it could be fun! Kim , Cassandra, Lyle, Eddie, Jessica, Tim ? any volunteers?

4:01pm: X mas Party
Based on the ppl i have talked to, Wednesday 21st seems to be a good day so far to have it. Two ppl have finals this fri and mon and so that gives them time to recover from that. I know some ppl work during the week so i was thinking it would start at say 3:00 - w/e that way ppl can come when they get off work or before they go to work or when they crawl out of bed or w/e. I know Kim A has to leave when it starts getting dark so that gives her time to chill for a while. I will be cooking so food will be provided but i need to know HOW many are coming so i have enough. I am making a fruit pizza for sure and home made mild and hot cheesedip for when we watch movies or w/e. I havent decided the main meal yet, depends on who comes and how many. I will have tons of junk food also. (Any suggestion for main meal list below)

I was thinking to start off, the ppl that came we would watch a few "movies" or w/e to wait for everyone to get here . (The Invader Zim and Futurama Christams episodes are definate :D )

When everyone or the majority of ppl are here we can open any presents that we have. (Remember you are NOT required to bring any presents but i know i have some for ppl that i havent been able to track down, Kim A already got her present from me)

There will be picturing taking because i am into scrapbooking now so be warned :)

Any thoughts, suggestions, concerns please let me know

12:17am: uuuuuugh i am sick =(

THIS SEMESTER IS OVER AND I DONT CARE WHAT MY GPA IS I AM JUST GLAD ITS OVER!!!

On a different note: Do we want to have an xmas get together again this year? I have presents for Jessica, Kim B, Cassandra and Carol but i dont know when i will see you guys now. Carol are you working during Finals week or will you be around Wed or Fri (i have finals those days) ? If not maybe i can stop by sometime i know WHERE your new apartment is just not the number. I know a few ppl expresses interest in getting together again this year so any suggestion for days? I will be cooking a full meal for it :D

Last year Tim, Cassandra, Jessica and Kim B came... i know Kim A is going to try to come this year... Lyle, Eddie, whoever else reads this and KNOWS me? Anyway just leave a post when/if you can come and what days are good for you... maybe even what food you want/dont want. (I have a few vegetarian things planned for Kim B and Kim A cant have nuts so taken care of that.. anything else?)

Also dont feel like if you come you have to bring presents, this is just a get together to hang out and have fun, bash new/old teachers and watch the Invader Zim xmas episode! Anyway let me know what you think.

4:53pm: Well Carol K isnt here anymore =( i get to spend my Fridays alone in silence... i feel pretty sad about it but i hope things work out for her... maybe a spot will open up in Media for me and Carol B! I did however get paid to eat pizza for 3 hours today! (it was a "good job on the robot" party at work)

I have so much work to do this weekend... and really this week. I Have 2 papers and 3 tests this week =( Harry Potter is coming out next weekend so i am doing absolutely nothing then and going to see it!

Everyone keeps bugging me for christmas lists.. i havent even thought about christmas... i dont know what i want! i dont really want anything! pay for a month of WoW or buy me a book... i have no idea what i am getting anyone else either, like i said christmas is the furthest thing from my mind

To Carol B: I told Martha about your time card and its SUPPOSED to be fixed.

4:52pm: I know only like 2 people will respond to this but i figure i will follow the rest of you doing it, i might be surprised

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. it can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

1:56pm: Carol told me she was leaving today =( it hit me really hard because she is someone i really really liked and loved to talk too and loved to pick on... work will never be the same... it'll suck in fact without her there...

Lily and Kai have permantely left WoW so i can no longer talk to them either... I have a suspension that Mike will soon...

I think Jessica dissapeared off the face of the earth... she doesnt come talk to us anymore on the wall (well SAC now thats its getting cold).

I have a free weekend finally so i am going to visit my brother and maybe get some stuff done that i have been meaning to do for a while. I am excited about the new robot we have in the new section of the library i cant wait to get to use it for real and stop loading the boxes for it. I think its really cool! Lifes pretty good and quiet.. quiet is good. Hope everyone else is well

11:45pm: Haha well today went way better then i expected. Jessica got me like the greatest.present.ever!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! i swear i showed that to like everyone today and some of the reactions i got were freakin priceless!! Thats everyone for the cards and calls! (Sorry Cassandra u called while i was in class and i couldnt call u back at work but i did get ur msg thanks so much for calling!!! *hugs*) I have a package in the mail from Dennis' family so i cant wait to see what they sent me! I dont think i will have money problems for a while after i got brads card, my reaction was: OMGHeFreakinSentMe500DollarsOMGOMGOMGWhatIsHeThinkingOhYeahHeMakesAbout2MilAYearWhatDoesHeCareHeProblemBlowsHisNoseOn500DollarBills!!!

My brother called me tonight too, i thought that was nice of him. Just out of the blue "Hey how ya doing" i really appreciated it. And thanks to all the ppl that wrote on my Facebook that was awesome of you all too! although one person wrote on it i wasnt expecting.. she wouldnt give me the time of day in HS but she sent me a facebook email saying how much she missed me WTH?

Well back to killing stuff in WoW

12:12am: Long time no post.

Well we have moved to our new apartment in the opposite corner of the complex. Its smaller then the other one but what do u expect going from a double to a single right? We were donated a VERY nice love seat from Dennis' cousin so if u come over jessica u dont have to sleep on that crappy one chris had now. Everything was unpacked in 2 days minus the DVDs because we are minus a bookshelf so we dont have a place for them yet. I like the new place overall... i hate the fact that the smoke detector is right by the kitchen so i can fry anything w/o setting it off >.<

Was spose to have my Bday party this weekend but everyone seemed busy or i couldnt get a hold of them.. i think my phone is having issues cause when i try to call certain ppl it says they dont have service or some crap (Jessica and Kim B) although i can TEXT jessica just fine... think i need to have it looked at... Well anyway i called home (mistake number one) and ya know told em i was still alive. My aunt was there and i made a comment about my Bday and mom said like "oh yeah i'll send u a card or something" and my aunt said very loudly in the background "why?" and something about me being undeserving of anything or some such... so yeah. most normal ppls familys celebrate Bdays, let the birthday person know they are glad they are alive... in my case... Dennis, Jessica and DENNIS' family are glad i am alive.. yes thats right HIS family sent me a package full of stuff, HIS mom made me a cake and HIS aunts send me cards.... but i am just grateful that they do care. Its nice to finally have a family.

I think i will try to move my bday party to next weekend or the weekend after, maybe if i post on LJ i can let the ppl know that i cant seem to call right now. If anyone is free anytime let me know so i can plan. I promise to have cake and ice cream!

11:52pm: So um yeah... almost got expelled for academic dishonesty today... well not really but the way Dennis was freaking out you would think we were... had a great talk with the professor... everything is straighten out now but i suspect i will no longer be able to get help from Dennis on h/w w/o it looking like we are cheating... great... *sighs*

Need to pack... i really need to pack... i really need to read and pack... i really need to do my quia... *twitch* ...

Turn 20 in 22 days... usually i dont even notice my birthday but the last few years Dennis' mom has made me a cake and everyhting so i am actually looking forward to it... his mom makes the best cakes... she makes me feel like i am wanted... its a really great feeling... i have the best mother-in-law in the world!